LESSONS

I woke up in the bath the next morning. How I never drowned can only be a miracle. My relationship with my then boyfriend had ended and yet another attempt to take my life was unsuccessful. That was but only four years ago. I’m not asking for sympathy but I promise you as I unfold my life and what brought me here, you’ll see it’s not all doom and gloom.

I was 8 years old when my father had passed away. As a daughter I had lost my guiding light, my protector, my provider, my first love. Although he was not my biological father, he took the place of my dad. My mother took this particularly hard. Her dependency on pills started and although she’s still alive and well, I had lost my mother too. At that young age I became the parental figure in my younger siblings’ lives. I remember having to lock up the house at night, checking the alarms and standing in as protector.

As a young girl I naturally kept a diary where all my emotions, thoughts and experiences were laid bare on those pages. Of course I wrote about boys and crushes just like any girl coming of age. I was 12 now, these changes were taking their natural course. My mother had found my diary and read it. Privacy, we clearly don’t know that here. That betrayal of trust and the shame that followed for my written words, particularly involving boys, was enough to forever drive a wedge between myself and my mom. I started self-harming. At that age, I had lost my self-worth, self-esteem and value. And the attempts to take my life only got more frequent.

Naturally teenagers want to fit in and I was no exception to the experience that is high-school. I was already lost and already experienced loss so I was eager to change things. Unfortunately I couldn’t escape the bullying and rebellion high school comes with. I changed high schools to try escape the torture I felt from my “friends” and matriculated but with scars no-one knew I had. On top of that, I had a toxic relationship that once more left me feeling like my only option was to take pills and end it all.

My relationship with my mother continued to spiral out of control. We both were battling our own demons and couldn’t find a way to close the ever increasing gap between us. I got kicked out of the house and forced to find a job before starting my studies. Another experience I went through multiple times. I moved in with yet another boyfriend and that ended the way this story started. Me, somehow alive in a bath and another failed attempt.

I reached a point where I could not pretend things were not happening around me. Unable to look after my family anymore and carry that responsibility. No longer able to be my mother’s keeper.

I wish I could tell you of this defining moment where God spoke to me or I had some supernatural encounter that changed my course in life. I never got that. Instead with time and a lot self reflection I came to the realization that surely there must be a reason I am still alive. Surely God has a purpose for me if every attempt to end my life was unsuccessful. I may not be the devout Christian but my faith lies in God.

How do you turn feelings of neglect, abandonment, unworthiness into something positive? I still don’t have the answer because in all honesty I am still a work in progress. And that is okay. My journey is a constant acknowledgment that although life is not fair, it is still worth living despite my circumstances. I am getting better at accepting my past, dealing with my trauma and emotions, and learning to appreciate all the lessons I have; and still am; learning.

If I am really honest, my relationship with my mother isn’t ideal. We talk every now and then. I don’t know if our relationship will improve but once more we all are just working through our issues. My siblings are doing well and I hold them oh so close, sometimes a little too close. As for my romantic relationships…. it’s hard. I do struggle to trust, and have insecurities and general fear. And let’s not forget that these days the dating pool seems to be pretty shallow so there’s that.

I wanted to share my story because I know I am not the only one dealing with this. And to you the reader, I hope you find the strength to not allow your circumstances to define you. That you will consciously decide to confront your our own demons and fight to see the light at the end of the tunnel. That regardless of what has happened in your life, that you be your own hero.

Sometimes being your own hero includes asking for help when you need it.

With love,

Anonymous