I HATED HIGH-SCHOOL
We’ve all done things we’re not particular proud of. Lesson learned right? I wish this walk down memory lane was that pleasant. In fact high school is a memory I wish I would forget entirely. If I could, I would white flash myself with Will Smith’s flash thingy in Men In Black just to erase those five years of memories from my life.
Okay. I’m being incredibly dramatic. But I can’t say I am lying.
I went to two primary schools that felt vastly different. The first being a dominantly upper class white school, and the other mostly average household colored/black primary school. At the “high-end” school I was an average student and average athlete and spent three years there. I then moved to the “middle/lower end” school to finish the last two years of primary school, of which I somehow managed to excel academically and as an athlete. Even at that age I experienced contrasting ways of living but that’s not the point of this story.
The high school I went to however was not what I grew accustomed to when I completed primary school. None of my friends applied and I was literally the only person from my primary school in my grade. A fair number of students from my first primary school I recognized however, I was never friends with them though and not a single soul recognized me. I was a loner from the get-go.
Here’s the thing… I don’t have the typical “I was bullied” or “I was a bad student” reason for hating high school as most folk do. I was never bullied, although I would get remarks about my weight, and I was actually a pretty decent student academically that got along with my teachers enough for them to let me sleep during English and Science. Bless those teachers where ever they are today!
Being an outsider I was constantly trying to fit in. I acted in ways that are the complete opposite to my character, thinking it would somehow appeal to others. Lying about details in my life just to get attention. Trying things I was uncomfortable with to seem “cool”. Even chased a boy for five years, trying my best to get him to like me. I shut my mouth when I disagreed with whatever was going on. Hell, it was just five years of trying…
I don’t know who the hell that girl was in high school. Can’t say I recognize her. I am ashamed of her. Thinking about her and all the things she did makes me cringe.
You are probably thinking “yeah but Darcy you were young and dumb”. No. No I wasn’t. I knew exactly what I was doing. Pretending to be someone you’re not messes you up more than you know. For years I have struggled with really knowing and understanding who Darcy really is.
Yes, you don’t really know who you are as a teenager but I believe that you’ve already developed your moral compass at that age, right from wrong, good from bad, what you will and won’t do. Self esteem and our perceived value are the biggest factors that cause us to fall. I tried being someone else because my crush didn’t like me, therefore I wasn’t good enough. How messed up is that thinking???
I know I am only 28 and, God willing, have many years ahead of me but so far my biggest regret would be to not see and believe my value and worth at a young age. If I could go back, there is so much I want to change. But I can’t.
If you are reading this and you went to high school with me, I am so sorry. I am so sorry I thought I had to be someone I am not. Sorry I never allowed you to see my light. Sorry I never let you get to know the real Darcy.
I don’t know what to write to you guys. As I type this I’m realizing that, although I know I am not that high school girl, I am still finding and figuring out me. I know who I am in terms of my cores and values. But I think the only constant in life is change. I am constantly changing, growing, adapting, healing, teaching, learning because that’s what life is. I know who I don’t want to be. And that’s all that matters right now.
I hope you never feel like you have to be anything or anyone other than who you are.
10 Comments
Kelley Cupido
I can relate to this on so many levels and it’s such an eye opener for me! This honestly motivates me to be the best version of my true self!! I absolutely love your bloggs 🦋.
Darcy
Thank you so much! In the words of J Cole “you don’t need to fix what God already put His paint brush on”
Ruey
Hi Darcelle,
I thought i was the only 1 that hated high school lol. But being with u for 5 years in high school there is some things i can say that has never changed. Firstly i will never forget your smile and ur voice and ur hair lol.
I read how u felt and all that but i can say that you were the most unique out of all of us and so beautiful, every picture you just become more and more beautiful.
I can relate to so much that u said.
Darcy
Thank you so much! I am truly humbled! Just know that what I post is but a highlight.
Swazi
Highschool was the bottom.
I went through something similar in that i constantly had to change who i am in order to fit in, I’m glad i had a good experience in varsity otherwise my whole schooling career would have just been nonsense.
Darcy
Older and Wiser
Angelique
Nice read. I also hated Highschooñ. After being bullied for one final time I decided to leave. So grateful my mom let me homeschool. I too pretended to be someone I wasn’t to try fit in. I did things I am too ashamed of. But I don’t regret it – I am the person I am today because of it. I do however feel robbed of high school but I have learned to accept it. Hell I even remember lying to my own best friend and guys that I wasn’t a Virgin mean time I knew I Was. CRINGE. Why did I have to lie? Why was I ashamed?
You are responsible for your future and to note that things and experiences only define you if YOU allow them to. Who we were over ten years ago doesn’t define who we are now but we should learn from them and understand it was an integral part of who we are today.
Could you imagine not going through those experiences and having to be 28 years old and only now start to do those things? Can you imagine having to lie about who we are now? We still have so much to be and become – allow and trust the process.
Darcy
I am so sorry that that was your experience. I agree that nothing should ever be a regret. It’s all lessons learned at the end of the day but the memory still sucks! I hope you are now walking in your light!
Essack
Hi there Darcy
Hope this finds you well.
Can I just start off by saying this has been thee best piece of writing work I have read in Oh soo very long!
Not only has it been a refreshing read and a much needed escape from the repetitive negativity that surrounds just about every other social platform out there, no thanks to the highlight real that has been this year of 2020.
So firstly I would just like to thank you for sharing such a real, honest and empowering story. So much so that reading this felt as familiar as meeting an old friend, catching up on old times yet also finding comfort in leveraging and learning from past experiences.
Lol – funny enough I actually attended the “middle/lower end” primary school you referred to and we were actually Perfects together in that Grade 7 year.So believe me when I say that you had me stolling down memory lane to a time where things felt soo much simpler yet at the same time it never felt that clear and cut out – because as you soo eloquently put it we found ourselves struggling with who we actually are and who we felt we needed to be to I dunno… fit in I guess.
Anyway, It has been a rough couple of days if I’m honest with myself but what I can say is after reading this I some what feel enriched and empowered in knowing as much as we may live and lead different lives we are not so very different actually, and there is comfort in knowing we never truly alone in the battles that we face.
Once more, thank you for sharing and may you continue to stay blessed in all that you do and keep sharing this positive energy that only you know best how to radiate.
Darcy
Truly humbled. Thank you! keep your head up, rough days don’t last forever!