HELPING HANDS

I think we’ve all experienced being on one or both sides of this coin.

Side 1: your relative/friend/lover is currently battling mental health issues.

Side 2: you’re that relative/friend/lover.

As someone battling mental health issues and facing them head on for about two years now, I still get asked the same questions:

“How can I help? What do I do?” “What do I say?” “How do I understand something I have no personal experience in?“

Regardless of which side you find yourself, the conversation (if there is any) is barely constructive, let alone helpful to either party. Before I carry on, I feel obliged to put out this disclaimer that I am no professional on mental health or effective communication at all. Everything I am about to say is based off my own personal experiences and opinions and the comment section below is open to anyone willing to discuss this..

I digress…

Tip 1: Listen

We’ve all experienced this before. Sitting with a group of friends, or just a friend, and having a conversation with them, only to realize no one is paying attention to what you have to say. Its not a major blow but you’re lying if you tell you tell me it hasn’t touch you even in some small way. Now imagine that feeling in that moment, but the conversation is about your feelings, your emotions. Having someone not listen or zone out regarding that hurts a lot more.

Here is the thing, people want to talk. But to often no one is listening. We aren’t seeking advice or understanding. When someone truly listens, it lets us know they really care. And that means more than you think.

Tip 2: Acknowledge

Listening is a hard skill to master. I requires you to put your interpretation aside and genuinely try to hear a point of view that may very well be different to yours. A conversation can’t be had when either party isn’t willing to listen (preach preacher!!!) When someone is genuinely listening, we feel heard. When that same person acknowledges what we are truly saying, we feel validated. Too many times lack of acknowledgement of what we are saying makes us feel like we are crazy. When the truth is, we’re far from it.

Tip 3: Respond with positive reinforcement and encouragement

In all honesty this is just basic kindness. You’re an asshole if you kick someone who is already down, but let me not get fired up about that.

There’s an analogy I love by Michael Norman. He talks about a smoke detector and askes the question, would you rather have a smoke detector that doesn’t pick up danger and does not go off even if the house is on fire? or would you want a smoke detector that goes off just from the smoke of burnt toast? Those of us struggling with anxiety and depression and panic attacks have an over-protective detector. It assumes the worst case scenario as a protection mechanism. That doesn’t mean there is something defective about our alarm though. Its just honest mistake.

Here’s the fine line though, positive reinforcement and encouragement doesn’t work without listening and acknowledging what we are saying. Telling us “you’ll be fine” when you haven’t even heard what we are concerned about makes us feel like we might as well not say something at all.

Tip 4: Don’t treat us like we are broken

CAN I SAY THIS LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK!!!!!!!!

We are not crazy. We are not defective. Mental Health issues can affect anyone, at any time. By all means please go look at the stats available of the shear number of people world wide currently experiencing some form of mental health issue. Trust me it’s more than you think. That’s all.

Tip 5: Show us you care

Truth be told, we would like understanding but we need support. I have been blessed to have an incredible support system behind me. When I call, they answer. Not only do they answer, they listen, they acknowledge, they encourage, and they don’t treat me like I am broken. When I try to engage with someone outside of my known support system, I have experienced one, if not all, of these tips previously mentioned. That’s the heartbreaking part of it all. Someone who doesn’t have a support system is struggling out there. Crying out for help and yet falling on to deaf ears. Its sad really, what humanity has become.

I know this post isn’t something I normally write. I try to be lighthearted and fun and most of my posts are. But I wouldn’t be doing justice to you or myself if I didn’t stay true to the heart of the blog. To help.

These are unprecedented times. We’re all going through the most and my heart goes out to all the families of the lives lost due to Covid-19. Lets all just be a little less selfish and more importantly mindful of the next person. No-one knows what the next person is battling.

All my love

Darcy