GOOD ENOUGH
For as long as I can remember I have had issues with confidence, and more specifically my appearance. Like most women, I often find myself seeking validation from the outside world in order to feel pretty, sexy, or just attractive enough. There are moments where I feel like I am the shit (often after a workout when my body’s natural happy drug is released) but mostly it’s a daily struggle to really reach that level of confidence I desire.
Growing up I was always really skinny. I had the most awkward features that, to this day, makes looking at photo’s of my younger years really tough. Although I was smiling and happy and had a good childhood, I was very much aware of my appearance. I don’t know if you had aunts who loved to feed you but my family is full of them. Visiting them, I was constantly reminded about how skinny I was at the time, and was encouraged to eat more than I already was. Mind you, I was eating like I wasn’t being fed. My dad always said I cleaned the fridge out. And like most families, I got picked on with constant jokes and references to my weight. Granted, they were all said light-heartedly and by no means was a form of bullying. Of course I laughed with them but it still got stuck in the back of my mind.
Fast forward to the end of primary school. That’s where I really started feeling insecure about my body. Nobody looked like me. Nobody was skinny. Certainly not fat, don’t get me wrong, but for some reason to me all the girls looked as if they had already gone through puberty. Trust little old me to be late to that party. That was also the time where attracting boys and having a crush started for me. Again the girls surrounding me were already in relationships, making out, moving to second base, some even engaging in sexual activities. I wasn’t about that life but it did make me wonder if guys weren’t attracted to me like that because of my appearance.
This pretty much carried over into my high school career. Of course by now things are progressing with everyone else but me. I still wasn’t filling out my body like everyone else. I was still the skinniest girl at school and there were definitely folk who reminded me of that daily. Being an introvert didn’t help either. I drew further into myself and deeper into my insecurity. On top of that, my crush never saw me and to this day I regret all the ways I tried to get attention. Not only his, but everyone else’s too.
I started filling out my clothes around second year of my tertiary education. I really didn’t notice it but those around me certainly did. All of a sudden I was getting compliments for my appearance and was never really sure how to take it. I don’t think I was late bloomer. It was the fact that all the unhealthy food on campus was really cheap and as student cheap is good. I just ate more junk and evidently that went to the trunk (thank God).
You’d think this would fix everything right? It didn’t. I’m still trying to figure out if I am crazy for this happening, but I found myself now leaning the opposite direction. Now in my mind I was fat. Hear me out. Having never been a big girl, that was the biggest I have ever been. I went from not being able to fit clothes small enough, to having to take sizes that were inconceivable to me at the time. Going from a 6 to a 12 in no time at all really messes you up. FYI a size 12 is not fat or overweight.
I started working out trying to lose weight (can you believe it) and found myself once more comparing my body to the women around me. Women now had six pack abs, tiny waists and toned bodies. Once more I found myself in the mental state of “I’m behind”, “I have to catch up”, “I don’t look like these girls”, “these girls are what guys want. Not me”.
These mental issues I carried with for the majority of my life. To change a mindset is the hardest thing one can do. Its a daily task you need to be conscious of. It’s a choice that needs to be made every single day. I wish I could tell you there was a magic cure if you are experiencing something like this. But there isn’t. No one can fix it for you either.
I can’t say I did these specific things and now I overcame this “disability” (for lack of a better word). Because the truth is, I am still overcoming. I am still fighting the battle. I am still trying to uncover all the layers that make up me and solve my personal issues at their core. But that’s just it. I am trying. I am fighting. I am working. I am not sitting and letting this fester and control my life. Cause hunny if there is something I learned the hard way it’s that:
Lack of confidence will get you nowhere
As I figure this out, I am finding out so much about how to build one’s confidence and fight insecurities. But I’ll save that for another blog. For now, know that you aren’t alone in feeling this way. No you aren’t crazy either. Life is some bullshit more often than not. But finding who you are and standing firm in that is part of the journey.