FIRE ALARM

I feel like screaming but there is no air in my lungs. I can hardly catch a breath it seems. The waves of life keep coming. I am getting tired of kicking to stay afloat. To keep my head above water.

I hate that my mind gets to a dark place as a default setting. I can’t catch myself as I’m falling because I don’t even realize I’ve fallen until I’m down. When I’m already feeling claustrophobic in my own emotions. Dread. Doom. Gloom. Dark. Common themes in these moments.

It’s this weird mixture of anxiety and depression.  This toxic cycle of “this is too big to conquer” and “I don’t even want to try”. The reality of the situation has been pushed to that corner of my mind, like under the couch where you don’t even bother sweeping. My mind is so focused on what has, is and can go wrong that it’s the hardest battle to get it to focus on all the good, the blessings, the joy. And they are there and even outweigh the bad if I am truly honest.

I bought my own place… yes BUT

I have a fully stocked fridge…. yes BUT

I paid off my car…. Yes BUT

I don’t have debt other than what’s necessary for a good credit score… yes BUT

My family is healthy and supportive… yes BUT

I am not dying; my body is just responding to the physical manifestation of anxiety… yes BUT

I have incredible friends who love me… yes BUT

I have a job… yes BUT

I serve a God who loves me unconditionally. The creator of the universe. The great I AM. The beginning and the end… yes BUT

All these achievements and blessings and my mind’s default setting is to question. To dismiss. To intentionally not see it and not allow myself to enjoy it. And while I write this, I feel like I sound crazy. But I know that’s not the case. In the context of depression and anxiety, all this is ‘normal’.

The hardest part about dealing with this is that I am battling myself. To convince myself that things are not as bad as they seem even though half of me doesn’t believe it.  

I was told to look at my mind through the analogy of a fire alarm. Imagine burning toast in your toaster in your home and there is a little bit of smoke. A sensitive fire alarm will pick it up and go off screaming “the house is on fire!”. Its whole purpose is to alert the homeowner of danger and prevent damage from happening. My mind is incredibly sensitive and all it is trying to do is anticipate and prepare for the worst. It is trying to protect me. Even if the worst is not happening, or the risk of it happening is slim to none.

There is a lot happening in this world right now. So much is going wrong. And the reality is that good news is not being shown. Social media definitely won’t help because all that is doing is distracting you with rubbish that genuinely does not matter. I really don’t care what some celebrity is up to and who is eating what for breakfast and what animated character I am (these damn filters are getting out of hand).

I am in a season of depression and anxiety right now. And I hate that I am back here, almost angry with myself, because I thought I got over it. That I dealt with it. But I am realizing that life is a constant roller coaster. I am never going to be balanced; but forever balancing. The danger in seeking balance is the same as striving for happiness.

Happiness is an emotion and just like every emotion, it passes. To chase happiness is like chasing a ghost. I’m learning to replace happiness with joy and peace. That’s the real treasure. That is not an emotion. It is something that sits in your spirit and your spirit is the essence of who you are. At least to me anyway.

I needed to get this out. Not only for me but because I know there are people feeling the same weight that I do and is going through this season as well. No, I am not seeking pity, nor do I want your attention. I don’t want you to read this feeling sorry for me. This isn’t even about me if I am honest. Yes, it’s my experience but what I am going through was never meant for me it was meant for you and for the glory of God. For you to see God’s grace and mercy and love through me. For you to see that you aren’t alone in this. For you to receive a message of hope and encouragement.

I guess the question now is what am I doing about this? I’ve learned a long time ago that asking for help is not cowardly. I am reaching out to my GP and seeing how best to navigate this season using the tools I’ve already learnt and applied previously in my therapy sessions. I am reaching out to my support system and talking about it. I am praying to God and asking for supernatural strength and protection because I know I am an easy target when I am in a weak state (also using the word weak hear is not meant to be derogatory at all. I am not a weak person just because I am weak in this moment). I am spending more time in nature. Trying to be more active physically. I am putting in the work. Let’s not forget that faith without works is dead.

If you are in a season of depression or anxiety or just in bad space right now, I need you to hear me. You’ve made it through before, you will make it through now.  God knows everything and He knows exactly what you are going through right now. Seasons don’t last. You are going to be okay. You are going to get to a better place. You are going to find joy and peace. Keep fighting even though you feel like you can’t.

“And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue this work until it is finally finished on the day when Jesus Christ returns”

Philippians 1:6