I HATE IT. BUT I DON’T.

Social media. A tool designed to connect to your loved ones, friends, and random strangers via an app when physical interaction cannot be done. As much as I see the benefit of instant connection, I often find myself despising it more and more while simultaneously feeding my addiction for it on a daily basis. It’s become a back and forth game I feel myself slowly losing.

I, like most young people, starting using social media since cellphones had operating systems that could run apps. I enjoyed the social interaction it created with my friends and particularly with my crushes. I would be brave enough to say something via an app verses in person and I think that started my downfall. Without realizing it, I was becoming two different people. The physical Darcy and the virtual Darcy. Virtual Darcy was everything physical Darcy wanted to be.

I am naturally shy and very much an introvert and have always struggled with confidence. I only spoke when spoken too. I rarely opened up to anyone and in turn only allowed few to open up to me. I kept my feelings and emotions to myself, and could not even formulate my own opinions even if I tried.

But virtual Darcy was the complete opposite. Beyonce once said she has an alter ego Sasha Fierce when she performs. She becomes a different person for the purpose of selling the show, putting up a brand and representing herself in a different way. That works for Beyonce but it doesn’t work for me.

I posted to try catch the attention of a crush. I would smile and flash my teeth pretending to be happy and content. Pretended my life was good, my skin was clear, and had my shit together. I followed friends and strangers who looked like what I was pretending to be. But the falsehood caught up with me.

I struggled to understand how I was different from everyone else. How I was still single and yet the people I schooled with were already married with children. How I was carrying a belly of fat and yet others had bodies rock solid. How the pretty girls who had the “perfect” face and features got the attention and I couldn’t get. Don’t get me wrong, I completely understand that social media is very much a highlight reel of good times, good hair days, and filters for bad skin. But the subconscious mind absorbs and processes information very differently to how I perceive it.

Needless to say, I became an addict without even realizing it. First thing in the morning, last thing at night, and all day in-between, I was on social media. Repeating the same toxic cycle day in and day out. Anxiety, although always been with me, took hold of me every time I logged on. Feeling like I wasn’t good enough crept up with each scroll. Having the pressure to fit the social media type wiggled its way into my mental. Everything from looking “perfect” to having success (worldly success defined by society) at a young age chipped away at my happiness inch by inch.

What was my “ah huh” moment you may ask. There wasn’t. Still isn’t. I knew then just as much as I know now. I was just in denial then.

I’ve started taking much needed breaks from social media. I recognize the importance and usefulness these tools offer in today’s world and therefore haven’t completely disassociated myself from it. However I have started taking mandatory breaks from social media. When I feel the anxiety start to pick up, I switch off.

If you are struggling with social media I urge you to take time for yourself. To put the phone down, look up, take in your surroundings, breathe and of course mediate. Don’t feel afraid to work on yourself and your mental health.

What is in the cup if for you. What runs over is for others. When you give and your cup is empty, you make others thieves.